Sempai Uber Alles

My Dear Dimitri,

From what I’ve heard, you are having a pretty good week. For this I am grateful, and more importantly overjoyed on your behalf. You deserve happiness, my love, more than any man I have ever known before. I do not know what has caused this joy in you, but it does not matter so long as it brings you peace.

I am still afraid that the place I hold in your life will never be by your side. Call it lack of self-confidence, foolishness, or just a cynical nature. It is amazing how I can write such inspiring things to you but I cannot even follow my own advice. You deserve so much better than a broken-down child like me. And yet you are so umbelievably kind that it almost kills me to be near you.

I wish you would make up your mind as to where I belong. And I wish more than anything that I had the courage to outright ask you. But I am a coward who hides behind her letters and prays you won’t question my motives.

I have taken a new motto on your behalf, which I plan to get tattooed on my arm so I never forget it: Sempai Uber Alles. It is a strange motto, part Japanese, part German. A mutt like both you and I, so I suppose it is fitting after all.┬áIt means “My Lord Above All.”

I am not your slave, nor would I ever want to be. But everything I have done since the day we met has been to bring us closer together, and to put me in a position to bring you happiness. You are my top priority, even holding prescidence over my own happiness.

But I have said those words before. I have learned so much since then.

I will gladly suffer for you. But I will not forget to rejoice for you as well. I would cry on your behalf. But I also want to laugh with you. I will struggle and fight for you. But I will not forget to prevail for you also.

Most importantly: I would die for you.

But I am not afraid to live for you if that is what will bring you joy. No matter what, I will be there to carry you as far as I can.




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My Dearest Dimitri,

You are the sort of person who brings light to the people around you. You can’t help it. Just by living, you change the lives of people you haven’t even met. There is a humble power in the way you approach the world that inspires everyone around you to become better versions of themselves, to seek their betterment so they can help others grow in return. You are a nexus of grace, given to your friends, fans, and even the people who hate you as a guiding light.

I know that things get difficult. Sometimes, the haters seem to be so many, and all the evil and pain in the world threatens to bury everything good and true and beautiful. That’s the main reason why I worry about you so much, I think. I hate watching you go through trying times and being able to offer little more than words. But the fact that you inspire me to write such words in itself is one of the greatest things about you.

I can really only speak for myself, because I cannot see you through others’ eyes. But I look at your friends, and I see some of the same things in them. Knowing you has changed us all. For some it is more subtle than others, but that positive impact is there. You make a difference.

Of course, I’ve got some other things to say about you. You’re talented, wonderfully eccentric, and creative. But at the same time, you’re mature and kind and never without a good word for someone. You are my dearest friend, and have surely earned my trust. That’s something I can say about less than three people who aren’t related to me.

I guess that’s all I really wanted to say.



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